Friday, July 31, 2009

"Do You Need A Balla?"

"So you can shop and tear the mall up? Brag, tell your friends what I bought ya"

I don't like public restrooms, especially the ones at work.

If I could hold my pee for 10 hours I would and I would avoid the whole public restroom thing!

Yes, it really is that bad. I'd rather pee outside, pants around my ankles, squatting for all of nature to see than use a bathroom at work, really - honest-to-gawd!

To ease my anxiety I tend to hold my breath while in the public crapper and breath out my nose, that way I can't smell anything and I am forced to hurry for fear of passing out due to lack of oxygen.

The bathroom across the hall from my office is a three staler and no matter what time of day you visit, one or two of the stalls is always occupied.

Urgh............Do any of you feel my pain?

WARNING: If you get grossed out...............STOP reading now!

I despise squatting above the toilet peeing and having to listen to someone bust-ass next to me - it's so WRONG!!! Wrong because where I come from we were raised to laugh at "toots of gas" and "ass-busting" (Dumb and Dumber) and well, I guess it's hard to stifle my chuckles when it's right next to me, calling out for me, encouraging the laughter and the gag that lingers in my throat.

Soooo wrong!

And then it just gets worse from there because you either pee on your leg because you are rushing to finish and get the hell out of there or you finish and come out of the bathroom only to be greeted by THE CRAPPER, someone in upper management. Someone, you NEVER imagined crapped, let alone at work.

Ooh-the HORROR!

And then............What's up with the people that travel across the building, ignoring their bathroom, to crap in our bathroom? I realize the whole discretion thing is necessity to some, but come on there is no discretion when shitting in a public restroom. And....and.....the Discretionary Peeps are the ones that really let loose and cause a raucous, making my bathroom moment all the more horrifying!

There should be rules - WORK BATHROOM ETIQUETTE - if you will. Rules to accommodate the people like me, the people who care! Crapping should be banned and only PEE allowed.

Toots are OK, but only little puff's of air. Under no circumstances are bootie trembling, juicy FARTS - allowed.

I dry-heave as I type - Gross! GAG!

Where's the dignity people?

And I won't even touch on the subject of Aunt Flow and the chaos that ensues in the crapper when she is sirree!!! I just wont!

This post has NOTHING to do with Jay-Z and "Can I Get A...." but I like this song so - there you go! Yes-folks, I roll like this every once in a blue moon.


Heather said...

So thankful for the single stall bathroom at our office. I totally feel your pain.

Maria said...

hilarious post! so sorry for your pain.
I must share, last week we were at Henry's, and Estella HAD to go, so we rushed to the restroom, and as soon as we flung the door open, the Sewer Fog slapped us across the face. Estella said "Mommy it smells yucky". I tried not to gag out loud, but it was impossible, I gagged so hard Estella asked if I was going to puke! Horrible, I was nauseous for most of the day.

Michelle said...

MARIA - That is horrible! You poor thing - I would have puked!

Public restrooms are sick!